At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
tell me about the fingering
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