Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
