Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
