based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
