You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
