So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
