so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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