Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
