hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
There's even glitter on my cock...
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