The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
