i jhust puked up my retainher.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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