i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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