happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
