you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
