Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
