I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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