My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
