So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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