I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
dude i'm inner monologue high
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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