Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
