i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
