I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
