Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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