She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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