Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
