Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
