dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
