Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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