We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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