Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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