You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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