I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
