Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
