I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
