Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
