Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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