Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
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