I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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