I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
