I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
