I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
