I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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