I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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