Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
