I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
