this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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