I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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