i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
