My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
