I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
