when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
