I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
